Disabled Life

Faith healing.

One unique side of being disabled is you tend to attract the weird. I’ve had people give me money, tell me their secrets, offer me drugs, a pair of gigantic shoes and I seem to attract a lot of people from different religions who want to heal me with faith.

I’m agnostic for a start. The approach is usually easy to telegraph though. They often approach smiling at me and my first thought is “Shit! I know them but I can’t remember their name?” Then they ask “How’s your night going?” It mostly happens at night…mostly. At this point I know what’s going to happen. The actual quality of my night is not a concern to them. I am a sign from God to test their faith or my faith or God just  thought “Fuck it, fix this dude yourselves I’m too busy with God stuff.”

“Do you mind if we pray for you?” I always fall for this! Every damn time. I assume they mean go home and include me in their prayers so I say “Sure”. Immediately they have grabbed my leg and begin to command Jesus to heal me. Like they have power over him. It’s like the check out operator telling the manager “There’s some puke you gotta mop up in aisle 3.”

So they go through their routine and I am A: Looking to see who’s seeing this B: Wondering if this is a joke C:If they’re an attractive woman I’m probably checking them out, don’t get too insulted they’re molesting my leg at this point remember! D: What if this actually works? I am never thinking D

Finally comes the awkward ending where I am asked to walk. I hand them my crutches and walk/stumble a few metres. At this point I will be told not to expect immediate results. Unless they are hardcore, in that case I will be chastised for my lack of faith and told that if I only open my heart a fraction to God it would work. I have typed this out quite nicely but once I had two people try to heal me in a Burger King. Stairway to heaven played while they did it (good sign or irony?) upon failure one person apologised the other just started yelling at me. It was freaky and I was happy when security escorted her out of the establishment.

I have had people try to heal me on a bus, on a bench, on the street, in a taxi, outside an acting class and at half past midnight on the way home. My record is 9 in one year. I’m sure I can beat it in 2015 🙂

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