Disabled Life

Shopping! Welcome to hell.

It’s my least favourite thing. I’d rather go to the hospital and sit in the waiting room watching infomercials on a tv with bad sound. Shopping sucks.

Some of you will be thinking. “There’s shopping online now you know.” I am aware of that but I need to see what I’m buying and I don’t have a credit card I prefer dealing in cash.

Clothes shopping is where my loathing started. The dressing rooms are always too small and they are designed for Able bodied people most of the time. I actually need to sit to get dressed. I once shopped for clothes at a certain store all the time. Only because it had a large dressing room.

Buying a pair of shorts for the gym took 4 people. It seemed to cause a bit of panic because I asked for long shorts. I’m conscious of my right leg. The foot goes one way the knee goes another and it looks a little odd. I prefer to keep it covered in public.  At the time pants were annoying because they were too long I’d trip on them at the gym whenever I did some form of running. So I thought long shorts would be a good compromise. I’m only wearing them in the gym. I don’t plan on going to the beach in them, no worries.

I asked a woman for assistance. The shop was huge and I don’t want to waste time trying to find them just take me straight to the shorts. She can’t find them, goes off gets a friend. They should be out back he asks someone to go find them out back. Dutifully an assistant heads out back. They then suggest pants. I explain the problem with pants.

“Maybe you could get them altered?”

Maybe I could just buy shorts ? I think. I’m good at holding my tongue because being a smart arse isn’t going to help right now.

The assistant comes back with many pairs of shorts. The manager has now noticed me and three assistants. So lets add a manager because why the hell not it’s Monday. She asks what the problem is? In a kind of condescending kinda worried my student workers have offended the disabled guy way. She then asks if I’d like to try any of the shorts on? The dressing rooms aren’t really that big. I am bought a chair to sit on while they form a huddle. This is extra hilarious because the stores uniforms have a sport theme so it looks like they’re planning a strategy to win the big game.Two assistants are sent to clear space out back. Evidently I will be changing in the staff locker room.

I have a quick look through the shorts that are there. There is string on the inside so I can just tie it as tight as I want. These shorts are fine. But I should check the length I guess. In my mind though I’ve already made several life choices.

A: If these shorts are close to fitting they are the last pair of shorts I will ever buy in my life.

B: I’m never coming back to this store.

C: I will memorise all my sizes and never gain weight.

D: Pants all day every day and lets just roll up any excess pant fabric.

This happened a few years ago. I have kept all of these promises. Although C is a constant battle between me and ice cream sandwiches from Moustache.

I am asked whether I mind changing in the locker area. They’ve made quite an effort so I thank them and head out back with the manager, because I might stea…in case I need assistance.

Bought the shorts and got out of there 5 minutes later. The whole thing took half an hour!

There have been other instances of shopping woe but this is the second biggest incident.

Second biggest! What’s the biggest bro?

Here we go quick version.

My friend needs to buy a pair of shoes. His girlfriend and I wait in the store while he looks for a pair of shoes. The store is quite expensive. I buy a pair of shoes once a month for $30 from Le Warehouse. It’s my disability I go through shoes quicker then toothbrushes.

Sales guy sees me.

“Hey can I help you today?”

“No thanks.”

“Nothing here you like?”

“I go through shoes pretty quickly so these are a bit out of my price range”

“Maybe if you bought a better pair of shoes you’d walk better.”


My friends girlfriend grabs me and takes me out to the car before the stabbing can begin. She yells to him that we’re leaving. He is a little confused/unaware he forgets buying the shoes and we leave.

I know my shoe size and I am now a frequent Warehouse shopper.


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