Disabled Life

A very frustrating predicament

Last week I was going for a walk. Then I hear a crunch and a ping. The crutch on my right arm twists, swinging my body with it. I manage to relax and crash on to my side. My first thought is I slipped. I check the crutch. It’s in tact. Then I see the cuff has moved sideways. The rivet holding it in at the back has snapped, again. This is the third time this year I have had a crutch break on me.

I am halfway between home and the bus stop. I don’t have my phone on me. F**k it, I grab the crutch and start walking on the one good stick to the bus stop. It’ll stop 100 metres from the chemist and I can walk that.

When I get there the woman who normally deals with it has left. But the staff know me and are as frustrated as I am. Why did this happen?

  1. The first time it broke I slipped on a piece of plastic, slid and slammed hard into the ground. Not hurt but snapping the cuff.

2. Second time the rivet snapped 36 hours after the crutch arrived.

This time I think I know why. The cuff is very tight on my arm, it’s fine for somebody who just broke their leg and is on the sticks for a few weeks. But I’ve used them for 30 odd years. My forearms are bigger than average for a guy my size. This would put pressure on the crutch causing it to snap.

I talk about this with the chemist and they agree. The crutch is sent to Hamilton.

Today I got a call from the manufacturer at 2:30pm. I have never talked to them before.

“I’m in Birkenhead, what’s you’re address? I can just pop over to your house and have a look at the crutch to see what’s going on?”

“I’m at work.”

“You work?”

I ignore his surprise at this fact and tell him where work is. He’s driving over to meet me.

The assumption that disabled people just stay at home is still alive. This is not the first time I’ve heard it. I also had a community nurse who made unscheduled visits expecting me to be home. Because why would I work? That’s crazy!! OMG what if I could vote!

Manufacture man arrives. I show him the cuffs on my other crutches which are wider than the new one. I ask about a bigger cuff.

“Aww no. These one’s have just expanded with age, they’re the same size.”.


“I’m gonna put 3 rivets in this time. You should talk to your occupational therapist about this.”

“I don’t have an occupational therapist. I’m a bit old for that.”

“Ha. Really? I find that very hard to believe.”

I amaze myself and don’t punch him in the face. Occupational therapy as I have experienced it is about adapting and managing your disability day day to day. You learn how to get in a bath, get on the toilet, dress yourself , move around the kitchen.

I did OT for a long time up until I was 16. By that point I had my system sorted out. There is nothing I would gain from it now.

It is obvious he is not going to listen to me. Maybe his 3 rivet plan will work or maybe it’ll snap again and they can try 4 rivets next time.

You would think somebody who works with disabled people would be more open minded. Often they aren’t they have read a text book and been told how to deal with text book cases. It worries me that my life is considered an oddity by them.

I would think I should be the norm.


Disabled Life, Film, Theatre

Getting Involved.

This year has seen a big change for myself personally and I have been going over it a lot in my mind. It’s not physical it’s a mental change. I think. I’m not sure how to define it.

At some point this year I gained new followers on twitter, I still don’t know what post or tweet caused it, suddenly I was in touch with more people with disabilities and I have become more aware that I am not alone with my concerns.

So I decided to become more active on social media in issues involving the disabled community. Have I caused any change in the world, no, but I am still finding my feet in this regard.

There does seem to be a big move against casting AB’s (able bodied)  actors in disabled roles. So at this point I should address the elephant in the room.

My own films are guilty of this. It is something I have always been aware of and it is why I have taken extreme care with my actors to make sure they are honest in their portrayals, taking the melodrama out of the situation.

There are many reasons why AB’s are used. In my own case when I was at film school we had to use fellow students who were studying acting. However for the next 3 films I did in fact ring agencies and ask for disabled actors. You can only hear the phrase “There’s no market for that.” so many times before you feel like you’re asking in vain.

A cheat can be “We need flashbacks to when they were well” this of course leads us to the stereotype that all disabilities are caused by accidents.

Recently an actor in the US was questioned by disabled people about how he felt playing a disabled person when he himself was not disabled. His response was one of the worst I’d seen. He dismissed the concerns and tweeted out a picture of himself with standing with his two paraplegic consultants. One of whom was an actor in his own right. The whole situation just got worse and worse. I would have preferred if he’d engaged with his disabled fan base better, being rude and dismissive is unhelpful. It’s great to have a disabled character on screen but they could achieve more if they were disabled.

There are a few things I can accept. Budget and safety concerns can affect the casting of a disabled person but they should still be given the opportunity to audition. From there you can talk to them about their disability and what they can and can’t do.

I guess this is an issue I’m passionate about because I feel I can effect some change here and it is my hope to address the balance in a web series in 2017, I am hoping to once again be prolific in my script writing. Maybe I can bring some disabled people in on smaller roles thus creating a demand and then agents can have a better look at their books.

I’m also considering applying for  the disability advisory panel at Auckland Council. My main inspiration for this is my amazing friends who have been standing up for diversity much longer than I have. They’re smart and I have learned a lot from them and I hope to take those lessons and apply them to the disabled community .

Disabled Life

The big fall

I have an infection in my right index finger. I can’t get an appointment with my GP and it’s throbbing. So I decide to go to the White Cross. I tag on a bus in the city heading to Takapuna, the bus arrives in Takapuna, once it stops I get up, people are already coming in the front door, I turn to go out the back, I hold up my card to tag off….

I’m on the ground, I can’t move my arms, my face slides along the path while my torso is still in the bus. There’s screaming, someone is holding my crutches, I can see blood. It’s mine. I check my mouth. There is grit but no broken teeth. There is blood coming from the bridge of my nose and my forehead. I manage to get my crutches back and haul myself up. People guide me to a bench.

There’s people asking me questions but all at once and I can’t answer them. They are talking about an ambulance. I can’t see my face so I don’t know the extent of the damage. I feel fine but I may go into shock. I quickly call someone at work and say “I won’t be in tomorrow.”it sounds stupid but it immediately means one less  thing to worry about. I text my brother and let him know I am going to hospital. The bus company is asking me if they should call an ambulance . This is weird. I can’t see the extent of the damage if you are looking at me and think I need an ambulance call one.

I tell him yes call an ambulance. A woman gets off the bus not looking at me but clearly agitated by the delay. She storms off into Takapuna. I don’t know her but already I don’t like her.

20 minutes later no ambulance, NZ Bus sends a little car and they drive me to the hospital. After filling out paper work they give me a quick clean up and concussion test. I’m all clear so far. I then wait for 4 or 5 hours to see a doctor. I don’t mind.

The emergency room is an interesting place. Everybody thinks they are a priority. I trust the nurses they make the list they know who is and who isn’t top priority. I am always amazed at how calm they manage to keep themselves.

A woman has come in with an allergic reaction. She’s told to wait. Her brother mentions it’s the third time this week. They are both older. The nurse calmly tells them they just have to wait.

An hour later they call a younger man. He storms to the desk demanding a doctor for her. The nurse tells them she’s not top priority right now.

The young man seizes on this and starts screaming “She’s not a priority! What does that mean?!” He also discloses she has a pretty bad health condition but it’s not related to the problem he’s clearly trying a sympathy plea.

A senior nurse exasperated tells him “I have two patients who’ve had their hearts restarted in the last few hours so on the list of priority your aunt is quite low, sorry.”.

Eventually they get to her but honestly the whole thing seemed unnecessary and stressful.

I am starting to doze off in the waiting room. I start watching the TV to try and stay awake, I also wonder if I’m drowsy because of concussion. Some St Johns volunteers arrive and are making tea and coffee. I ask for a coffee, just in time.

Around 9:30ish I see a doctor. He cleans my face and laughs. “Mate your nose is right proper messed up.”. He asks me about the accident.

This is what I have been going over in my head. I was on the ground fast. If I fall normally there’s a warning, you can feel when you’re about to fall. I couldn’t move my arms. I think someone must have knocked me from behind probably getting to a seat, I wouldn’t have felt it as they’d nudge my back pack. At that point somebody would have grabbed my arm to try and catch me. I couldn’t protect myself so here we are.

The doctor gives me a more detailed concussion test. I’m fine but I need to be careful for the next 48 hours. I set my alarms for two hours apart up till 8AM.

Finally I go home with an ointment for my nose and my finger drained, they just pricked it with a needle no antibiotics needed.

At 10pm I remember Movie Marathon tickets are on sale and manage to buy one.

I’ll be healed by then.

Disabled Life

Getting a lift

I wasn’t sure if I’d really covered this part of being disabled properly or not and then I realised I haven’t blogged for a while and there was this thing I wanted to write about so I should just write it and see what ends up on the page.

I take rides with strangers.

There I said it, it’s out, OH MY GOD!

It happens regularly, it’s mostly women or guys whose partner has made them pull over and ask.

There are a few different approaches to it.

1  A car will pass me, slow down, reverse, ask.

2  A car will ease to a stop ahead of me and the driver starts clearing the passenger seat      and as I go by they yell out the window.

3 A car does a U turn and asks.

There are my own rules into accepting the ride as well.

Do I feel safe, Is the person local, How far I am going.

I have said no. Sometimes I am just short of my house and sometimes the driver freaks me out. Either in their manner or they sound drunk or on something. I have met some interesting people doing this.

A children’s tv presenter actually gave me a ride to and from my film school interview. She picked me up on Onewa Road. It was co incidence we were going to the same place. She mentioned she had seen me around the neighborhood. She knew I had been in a wheelchair  and was curious as to why I walked up Onewa Road every day.


Except that’s also common. I am a fairly visible disabled person in the neighborhood and a lot of people knew me (in appearance only) as “That guy on the sticks who goes up the hill every day.”.

One ride was quite late at night. About 00:15. I had just finished work and taken the bus home. A white car raced passed me and then backed up and pulled into the street I was turning into. Two twenty somethings, a guy and a girl, got out of the car and started running towards me. They offered me a lift home.

I wasn’t far from home about 10 minutes walk. It’s late, I’m tired. They don’t seem threatening or very big (I can take them in a fight I rationalise). So as we get in the car they ask about my night, they are very energetic and happy….aww shit.

I know what’s coming at the end of this ride (and if you’ve read this blog so do you). While I carefully cover a laugh I ask them about their night 3…2….1

“We’ve just come from our youth group our pastor was talking about healing people and we were thinking about it when we saw you.”

“We decided it was a sign from God and we were wondering if you’d allow us to try and help you.”

“Thank you for the lift”

“No worries.”

“Can we try heal you?”

Sigh….I let them…..it didn’t work.

One of the best people I met was a retired builder. Every now  and then he does a bit of work on people’s houses. He has one of the best voices I have ever heard and yes I recommended he seek out an agent for voice work. I haven’t seen him in a while but I hope he followed through on this.

I am well aware of stranger danger but the at this point I trust my instincts.



Disabled Life, Film

NZIFF Diary -High Rise & Ghostbusters

I know Ghostbusters isn’t part of the festival but it served as a filler film between work,dinner and an 8:30pm screening of High Rise.

At the start of the day I had to make a choice. Go to the gym (in Takapuna) after work, then subway, then back into the city, then second dinner, then meet Kat & Tim and go to High Rise or go to another film around 4pm, it’ll get out at 6, walk to a cafe on Victoria St, have dinner, walk back to the civic. I opt not to go to the gym as I’ll just be sore in the screening.

Around 1:30 I start to feel bad about missing the gym, but if I walk to the Imax centre that should make up for it. It’s flat for half of it but has a couple of hills at the end. It’s 1.6 km (a little bit longer because I can’t use the stairway that cuts a bit out of the journey)

So after work I begin walking, a bus pulls up next to me and offers me a ride, I wave it off. As the bus pulls away it starts to rain..son of a …..nevermind the human body is mostly water anyway, suck it nature.

As I walk i’m trying to decide what my filler film will be. I chose Ghostbusters because I was at least a little curious. None of the other options appealed. There was a festival film but I had heard mixed reviews of it. A co-worker told me “I felt it was an hour longer than it needed to be.”. So despite it being a remake and the festival being on I go to Ghostbusters.


So much has been written about this film that at this point I’m not sure there’s much to add. I have a mixed history with Paul Feig/Melissa McCarthy films. I loved Spy,I thought Bridesmaids was ok, The Heat didn’t appeal to me (I’ve since seen it in bits and pieces.).

The 3D was good when the slime and proton streams are going they pour over the screen  it’s very cool. The performances were fine. It was slow to start but once it got going it was funny, then it would chuck in a reference to the original film. The two are not connected.

The amount of references to the original film is over the top and it really does affect the overall film. If you like Paul Feig and Melissa McCarthy’s work or you haven’t seen the original you’ll probably really like this. I found it funny in parts but just average overall. The concert scene is a real highlight. Also Chris Hemsworth and Cecily Strong are very funny in the small amount of time they’re given. I hope they’re given a sequel so that they can focus on a more original film. There is a scene after the credits that tells you where the sequel could be heading.

After Ghostbusters and a quick catch up with a friend I walk to Victoria St and into a cafe. Now I am cutting back on coffee but it’s been a long day and I have at least 5 hours to go before I’m in bed. I order a steak pie and a small flat white while I peruse the menu. This cafe has unlimited brunch (until 2 pm) so…….limited brunch bro.

I walk down to the Imax centre , I grab an ice cream (I have done a lot of walking today so don’t judge.) and I get a text from Kat she’s in town early. I agree to meet her at the civic.

We meet up at Starks and discuss what’s going on in our lives. Which is sooooo amazing you guys OMG! You wouldn’t believe it !

So I won’t elaborate.

As we’re chatting a few familiar faces pass by. We actually don’t chat about High Rise that much. Tim arrives and we get offered free tickets to High Rise by someone who was unable to attend, a free ride but we’d already paid. Damn you Alanis!

High Rise

High Rise is a tale of the haves and have nots played out in a tower block. The higher up you are the higher your wealth/status. It’s from Ben Wheatley who previously made Kill List and Sightseers I liked both those films when I saw them but I never felt the need to go back. I feel the same about High Rise. Robert Liang (Tom Hiddleston) moves into the Tower and right at the start we know where this is going as we see the end first. It’s about the journey. The intense, bloody, gory, tear the skin off your face journey. For the most part I was on the journey but about halfway through there’s a strange time jump and it feels like we’ve skipped a bit. The woman next to me kept covering her eyes at any sight of blood and during one particular sequence her hand was waving so much it looked like a John Cena impression. It is possible that I didn’t get it but I feel like I did. The film doesn’t say anything new. A very solid cast make it an interesting watch but Kat and I didn’t have much to say about it after. I was glad I saw it but I don’t need to see it again.

After the film we say our goodbyes and as Tim and Kat head home I stay have a chat with another friend who’s just seen it and then begin my quest for a cab home. It’s yet another walk…up Wellesley st and down the other side.

By time I get home I’m cold, tired and sore. I do the minimum to be ready for tomorrow and roll into bed at 11:35.


Disabled Life, Theatre

NZIFF Diary – Green Room

Here we are it’s film festival time again. This year I have a mortgage and funds are low so I’m probably seeing 4 to 6 films, usually I see 13. But the good news is that Green Room is finally here and it feels like it’s been a long wait.

I watched the trailer just once online and from that I knew I wanted to see it with as little knowledge of the film as possible. All I knew was it was about a band who end up seeing something they shouldn’t have and they are trapped in a room with a club full of neo Nazi’s outside. So lets start at the beginning.

(Or just scroll to the bottom for the film part)

2pm The transport system in Auckland is being overhauled and now I have to get off a bus at the bottom of town. A quick check online tells me I have a 1.2 km walk from bus stop to theatre. The film starts at 9:15. It’s the festival so 9:15 means 9:15. No trailers.

4pm I’m home a little later then expected and the weather is looking stormy. Wet weather means a slippery footpath. I’ll leave early and give myself time to get there.

6:40pm I’m off, I get a few metres from the house and it starts raining. Sod it, I keep going. A car pulls up next to me “Hey Ant you wanna lift?”. Stranger danger kids.

7:pm I thank John and Beth (not their real names) for the ride they’ve given me. They seem like nice people and I hope the restaurant they go to is a good one.

7:05pm I get on the bus just as all the rain comes down, HARD! It’s got 20 minutes to sort itself out. As the bus arrives in the city there is a double decker blocking the way. Our driver is pissed! He drives up to the other bus and opens the door to have a yell but double decker driver refuses to open his window, they just eye ball each other for a bit. 2 bus 2 furious.

7:26pm I move quickish through the city and get to the theatre with plenty of time to spare….SO MUCH TIME…I’m quicker than I thought. There is a red carpet, lights and 2 DJ’s playing outside Sky City…this is interesting.

7:45pm Turns out it isn’t. Miriama Kamo and some guy in a sparkly suit introduce a fashion show. There’s maybe 90 people here. It’s outside, it’s windy and rainy. I’ve never seen a proper fashion show I should check this out. It’s a 14 year old designer named George. The first two models come out…I’m hungry so I leave. I’m not a fashionable guy so why start now.

8pm As I find a cafe to eat I over hear a homeless man having a conversation about league. He’s very interested in the bunnies and sharkies. The man in a suit asks him “What’s your story?” “It’s on my board bro just read my board.” He then waits while suit reads his board.

8:10pm I order a pumpkin soup and hot chocolate, I’m cutting back on coffee. The staff are watching my every move, the manager actually met me at the door before I entered the cafe. God I miss coffee.

8:45pm The disabled toilet at Sky City has no soap dispenser. That’s not that interesting except that it’s brand new and they haven’t put one in, this is the second time I’ve seen a brand new toilet with no soap dispenser, clearly an able bodied plot to kill the disabled through spreading disease is afoot.

8:55pm I get to the theatre and have a quick chat with Duncan and Lucia. He’s heard the same things about Green Room…our conversation is interrupted as one of the ushers has seen me and offers to take me in the side door saving me a trip up the stairs.

9:10pm I’m seated third row centre. It’s not that bad. I hope this film is worth it.


Green Room – The film has quite a slow build and it feels like it’s the start of a road trip movie for the first 20 mins. It doesn’t take long for a sense of dread to creep in and then things just get more and more intense. The cast overall is pretty great, Anton Yelchin is fantastic as is Patrick Stewart as the club owner/gang leader. I also liked seeing Imogen Poots doing something other then being the pretty girl. The score is unintrusive, I really didn’t notice it that much nor did the camera work seem flashy. Perhaps because the atmosphere is just so nerve wracking. If it gets a general release I wouldn’t mind seeing it again. Honestly the less you know the better. If you like horror or thrillers you’ll enjoy it.


Disabled Life

My funny old phone.

My move to mobile phones was slow. I didn’t get one till it became necessary, about half way through film school in 1999. It was a brick. Eventually I got slimmer phones that were more robust and now I have a Nokia 33 something or other, It gets calls and texts and that’s all I need it for.

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes look at smartphones and think about upgrading. It would be great to have access to a map or being able to pull information off the internet where ever I was when I needed it. Then the issues of my disability come up.

I struggle with touch screens, badly. Any small/fine hand movement is difficult. Threading a needle, lacing a shoe, typing on a touch screen. It would take forever. There are voice to text apps but I don’t fancy speaking out loud to myself to send a text on the bus.

Robustness is also an issue. As funny as my old phone is it has survived many falls and drops. When I look at smartphones they look fragile and if one broke within a month of buying it I would end up feeling pretty stupid.

There’s also the fact that I don’t really trust  salespeople that much. A consequence of people pushing the hard sell on me. I once had a woman trying to sell me a book of restaurant vouchers

“I don’t eat out that much”

“But you could go out with your friends and save a lot of money”

“No that’s ok”

“Ohhh my God…I feel so sorry for you…you have no friends…you don’t go out…you’re really sad.” (This is not exaggerated this is what she was saying, there were hand movements and a kind of dance.)

I shut the door and left her making begging noises on the driveway. What she was doing was a legitimate sales technique. If you are selling cars you would make the buyer feel bad about their current car and make them feel better for showing interest in the newer car you are selling. This is how I saw it presented in a bbc documentary about sales techniques.

The other strange one is “Mirroring” where you mirror someone’s movements and speech patterns to try and build an instant rapport. I had an actress (who shall remain nameless) try mirroring me once during a meeting about a script. It freaked me out. She seemed really nice, she actually is I found out later, but something was off and during the conversation I never felt comfortable. We were seated and talking about the script. My foot was angled back due to cramped seating at the cafe we were in. Suddenly I had a foot spasm and it jolted me so my arm kind of slid across the table a bit.

Then her arm slides across the table.


I wrapped the meeting up pretty quickly, I was weirded out.

She didn’t get the part but we stayed in touch, I put it down to she was trying something out, maybe she was nervous.

Back to my phone situation. I’m sure at some point the time will come when I must upgrade. There will be a teething phase for my new phone and I.

But not today.